Confused...

Sometimes there's this feeling that I don't feel belong. I'm so out of place. Today I heard someone saying that she felt so out of place while hanging out with my course-mate. Feel like she's the big sister bringing a bunch of little kids/ younger brothers out for a trip or nannying them. That didn't struck before, nothing like that had ever come across my mind before. I sometimes find that it's hard to find topic of conversation with them.

There is this little feeling inside that I should just keep to myself. Don't know if this is what they call 自闭 。or is it 代沟。哈哈。我太老了？我的朋友说我是那些小弟弟的姐姐/妈妈。还能让他们的母亲觉得我很可靠。可靠是好的，可是听起来很不舒服。年龄不是一个我能控制的。even the topic of conversation is totally different.

I did this colour test the other day. And the result is that I'm stubborn." And other than that I'm also suppressing my sensuality, which restricts my ability to be giving. And I long to surrender to someone, but I feel that this impulse is weak and must be overcome. I long to long to achieve a higher status and the esteem of allies who share your high standards, but instead I feel isolated. I need recognition and attention from others. "

And the test say that i hunger for TLC but I'm just too picky therefore I can't have my feelings out of me. As there's this first requirement. "Must be older" Haha..That's the hardest to fulfill. This year I feel that those who I really can get along with has left, and those that are here, not that they aren't good friends, it's just that probably I can say that our personality is unfit, doesn't match. Can get along if only we compromise. That's a tiring job. Felt nothing is right. Maybe I should just put full attention on my studies and don't bother bout PR and friends...

I'm confused and lost.... Felt unfit and don't belong... Don't know anything. maybe I lost my mind somewhere. or drop my confident along the way. 嗨真的好纳闷。真的不知道。不知道。leave me alone....